Who I Am

    In Larry Senn’s 2017 work “The Mood Elevator”, he discusses our mood shifts like we are on an elevator, and he examines how these shifts impact our relationships, our personal effectiveness, our career and our experience of life. If we want to be at our best more often, we should strive to be on the upper levels of the mood elevator. On the upper levels we make better decisions are a better team member, a better family member and friend because we have better perspective on those levels. Imagine if we could find a way to maintain a daily Grateful perspective. It’s something you probably heard as a kid in the form of, “Count your blessings.”

     As a kid, I loved summer breaks from school. My grandmother, who lived in Illinois, would take an Amtrak train to Massachusetts, and spend 2 weeks with us. My sister and I already knew that this meant late nights in her room playing Dominoes, Old Maid and hearing her tell stories. One thing I will never forget is that when it was time for bed, she would always take off her house slippers and slide them under the bed. I was 6 or 7 years old at the time and I never understood this. My sister and I would take our slippers off and put them right beside the bed to make it easy to swing our legs over the side of the bed and slide our feet right into our slippers, without using our hands, when we had to get up. Grandma’s way just seemed much too inconvenient in my young mind. Of course, one night as my sister and I were leaving grandma’s room to go to ours, I had to ask very curiously: “Grandma, why do you slide your slippers under the bed? Don’t you want to be able to just swing your legs over the side of the bed and slide your feet in when you get up in the morning?” She lovingly looked at me and said: “Baby, it’s so when I get up in the morning, I have to get on my knees to get my slippers and that’s when I pray and give thanks for my beautiful grand kids!”  That was over 50 years ago, and I have never forgotten that. My grandmother planned time to be Grateful and thankful. Having a Grateful mindset can mean different things for different people. It may mean quieting your mind, journaling, breathing exercises, Yoga, meditation and just making the choice to be Positive, Mindful, and Grateful.

     Grandma Louise died in 2006. Now as an adult, I do not wear shoes in my home. However, I keep a pair of house shoes by the door as a constant reminder to be grateful. As I leave my home for the day, I am reminded to be grateful for a night’s rest and the ability to see another day. When I return home, the shoes remind me to be grateful for my safe passage home and for all of the experiences and people that I came in contact with that day.

    I am so Grateful for each person and experience that has impacted my life! Each person needs to find their own way in life, and we all make choices about how we see things from moment to moment. Learning how to live more of our life on the upper levels of the mood elevator, especially on the Grateful level, will help us be better team members, get better results and be at our best more often. Try it out. The view is great from up here!

Take care of yourselves and each other!

Thinking

     Our thinking plays a foundational role in shaping our behaviors, which ultimately leads to the results we experience in life. Here’s a breakdown of the process:

·         Thoughts Influence Behaviors: The way we think shapes our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us. These thoughts can be positive or negative and are often influenced by past experiences, cultural conditioning, or even external factors like media and social norms. If we have a positive mindset, we are more likely to take proactive steps and engage in behaviors that align with our goals. On the other hand, negative attitudes can lead to procrastination, avoidance or self-sabotage.

·         Behaviors Produce Results: The actions we take are the direct factors that lead to the outcomes we experience. If we consistently act in ways that align with our goals and values, we’re more likely to achieve success and positive results. Conversely, if our behaviors are misaligned with our intentions, we may experience failure or dissatisfaction.

    This notion that our thinking shapes our behaviors which leads to the results we experience is true in all areas of life human life, professional, personal and all ages. I recall that as a young kid, perhaps 6 or 7 years old, I started to have what I described to my mother as a headache. I pointed to my forehead and said, “my head hurts right here”. I had never experienced that feeling before. My sister would occasionally get them, but this was my 1st one.

     My mother did the same thing to me as she did to my sister when she experienced a headache. She took me into the bathroom, put a children’s aspirin in my hand and said, “go to the kitchen, drink some water and take the aspirin”. This was all new to me. I’ve always been that left-brained analytical thinker and wondered how in the world this little pill was going to solve my issue. As I’m walking to the kitchen, my 6-year-old brain was overwhelmed with thoughts. I got to the kitchen, remembered Dr. Mom’s instructions, poured myself a glass of water and drank it. However, I stuck that aspirin as far up my nose as I could. Why? My thinking was that I needed the medicine closer to the pain and not in my stomach.

     The results were not pleasant. I can still see my mom’s eyes when she found out what I had done and I do not recall how much sniffing, sneezing and snorting it took to get that aspirin dislodged from my sinus cavity. The only reason I did not get a serious punishment and am alive today to tell this story is because my mother asked me one question. She said: “what were you thinking?”  My 6-year-old explanation saved me from discipline that day!

     In summary, the way we think affects the way we behave, and the behaviors we engage in shape the results we get. By shifting our thinking and beliefs, we can alter our behaviors and, consequently, our results. How is your thinking? Hopefully your positive thinking is driving good powerful results!

Take care of yourselves and each other!

Listening

     Many people will agree that in this fast-paced world our minds are often remarkably busy. Sometimes so busy that we really do not hear what is being said when we are being spoken to. How many times has someone been speaking to you and you see their mouth moving but your mind is thinking of something else? Then comes that awkward moment when they ask your opinion about what they said. Not the most effective level of listening. Listening to understand is often considered the highest level of listening because it involves a deep engagement with the speaker’s message. When you listen to understand, you let the speaker finish and get their thought out. Also, you are not just hearing the words. In face-to-face conversation, you are also observing the nonverbal such as tone, facial expression, and body language. The goal is to fully understand the speaker’s feelings, perspective, and intentions.

     My sister and I became good swimmers at an early age. We took swimming lessons at the local community center in our neighborhood. I recall walking home after swimming one day and my feet were itching like never before. It was almost unbearable. When we arrived home, dad asked how swim class went. I proudly told him that the swim coach said Sis and I were the best he has seen at our age and that dive training would start next week. However, my feet are itching bad. Dad asked me to take my shoes and socks off so he could see what is going on. As soon as he saw my bare feet, he said: “son, you have athlete’s foot.”  I stopped listening to him and at once got up and excitedly ran around the house yelling: “WOW, I have athlete’s foot. I am going to be an athlete”! I did not know which sport I was going to play but the fact that I had athlete’s foot was a good sign to me that I was bound to be a professional sports player. My mind wondered would I be a swimmer, play hockey, baseball, or basketball. This was an incredible dream for a young boy. My dad let me be excited for a while before he sat me back down and finished his thought. He then said: “No son, you have a foot fungus, and we need to treat it.” I was heartbroken as my dream of being an athlete was shattered. Had I let my dad finish his diagnosis before interrupting him, I could have responded appropriately and effectively. It surely would have helped avoid the misunderstanding and misinterpretation.

    As much as I travel, I can probably give the flight attendants’ pre-flight safety message by heart. However, I make sure to take out my air pods, look at the attendant demonstration and listen attentively to the entire message. It could save my life. In the workplace and elsewhere, it is important to be a good listener to get the best results. When our minds are terribly busy and on autopilot, we will not be a good listener. We need to quiet our mind so we can be present to hear what the other person is saying. It is only then that our wisdom in that moment will guide us as to how to respond most effectively.

Take care of yourselves and each other!

Thrive

     Author John L. Mason said that humans are like a tea bag. We are not worth much until we have been through some hot water. I love that analogy as we can all point to some periods in our lives that felt like we were in hot water. Anxiety touches everyone in one form or another. Have you ever felt anxious and like you were in “hot water” because of financial troubles, family problems, depression, unresolved trauma, employment, or health concerns? If so, you are not alone.

     I hardly ever talk about this. However, when I was a child from the ages of 7-10, I was a statistic. Researchers have found that at least 1 in 6 men have experienced sexual abuse or assault, whether in childhood or as an adult and I was one of those victims. One in six is a low estimate, since it does not include noncontact experiences, which can also have lasting negative effects. The physical and mental abuse stopped when my family moved to a different state. The perpetrator was an extended family member and has long passed away. As a young person experiencing such secretive trauma, you can imagine that I felt like that tea bag in hot water.

     Growing up with this secret that only the perpetrator and I knew about certainly has had long lasting effects on me, my relationships, and my view of intimacy. I have always considered myself “Gracefully Broken.” I went through a period where I felt at fault, shame, worthless and dirty. I needed to prove to everyone, including myself, that although I had this very dark period in my life that I was a good, normal person and could excel in life. I was a straight A student with perfect attendance. I was a competitive bodybuilder. I have visited more countries than I can count on incredible vacations. My homes and automobiles have always been immaculate, and I am usually very smartly dressed. I was hoping how people saw me was different than what I was feeling inside. The desire to Thrive instead of just Survive was extraordinarily strong.

     Throughout my life journey, I continue to heal. One full circle moment for me was when one of my closest friends, who was one of the few that knew my story, asked me to be on the board of directors for the city’s Child Advocacy Agency. Here, I was able to affect policy, procedures and even legislation to help abuse victims. More importantly, I was able to openly share my story with many people and show them how you can not only survive but you can Thrive. This was an important ah ha moment for me and the board.

     Survival is about bare minimum, while thriving is about flourishing and reaching your full potential. Some ways to thrive include maintaining a daily routine, staying connected with friends and family, focusing on the present moment, challenging yourself, helping others and looking for opportunities and possibilities. Thriving over surviving is a mindset shift that is all about moving from merely getting by to truly living a fulfilled and meaningful life. Surviving is often about meeting basic needs—just staying afloat through challenges, managing stress, and coping with life’s difficulties. It is necessary, but it can feel like you are stuck in a reactive mode, just managing things as they come.

     Thriving, on the other hand, is about actively pursuing growth, well-being, and purpose. It is about flourishing mentally, emotionally, and socially. Thriving involves creating a life where you feel a sense of achievement, personal development, and joy, even in the face of challenges. It focuses on progress, cultivating resilience, and finding deeper meaning in your experiences.

     The importance of thriving over surviving is that it encourages you to move toward self-actualization—becoming the best version of yourself. It fosters more positive experiences, builds confidence, and often leads to greater long-term happiness and contentment. Plus, when you are thriving, you tend to be more resourceful, compassionate, and connected with others, which creates a positive ripple effect in your community.

     Make no mistake about it, I am not perfect and nowhere near my full potential. I am still a work in progress and so grateful to those people and experiences that have helped me on my journey to THRIVE. I have not forgotten that childhood trauma. I just refuse to stew in it. Remember, you do not drown by falling in the water. You only drown by staying there!

Take care of yourselves and each other!

Alone

     Most of my personal adult life has been spent alone. Granted, I have spent a lot of time on stage as a competitive bodybuilder, working on boards with non-profits and public speaking but for the most part it has been just me Alexa and Siri. I moved to a new city just before Covid brought the world to a standstill. I did not know anyone there, I am single, with no family so I had to learn how to successfully manage being alone in one of the country’s largest metropolitan areas while surviving a pandemic and learning a new job.

     What I learned was that YES, it is possible to be alone and not feel lonely, depending on your mindset and how you view solitude. You may be like me and find peace, creativity, or fulfillment in being by yourself at times, using the time for personal reflection, hobbies, or simply enjoying your own company. I also find comfort in knowing that I am not constantly surrounded by distractions, allowing me to recharge, connect with my inner thoughts and be at my best when I am around others. Being a loner may also be a trauma response. You are so used to people not showing up for you, judging you, walking away or you may have grown up with a toxic environment. The only one you could depend on was you. So, you naturally feel safe when you are alone.

     Loneliness often comes from a sense of isolation or a lack of connection, but solitude can be different – it can be a choice, and not necessarily something that feels isolating. Do not get me wrong, I do love being with my small inner circle of best friends when possible. We do not live in the same city. However, knowing they are a text or call away helps with feeling connected.

     It is common to feel lonely in a crowd. I have been there, and it is not fun. I have sat at board room tables or committee meetings and felt unseen. Being surrounded by people does not automatically guarantee connection or fulfillment. Loneliness in that context comes often from feeling emotionally disconnected, like you are not truly seen or understood, even though there are others around. I have had moments where I am at an event with a large group and still feel like I am not connecting with anyone on a meaningful level. That makes me feel so out of place. I have learned that finding someone to connect with, focusing on the present moment, shifting my mindset, and accepting the feeling without judgement of myself and others are powerful ways to make the feeling of loneliness less intense at times like that. However, to be clear, I do gain greater happiness by not inserting myself with people or in places that I am not welcome, wanted, respected or valued! 

     Being alone can have a lot of surprising benefits. It is not always about feeling lonely or isolated—it can actually be a chance to recharge and focus on yourself. When I take time for myself, I better understand my needs and boundaries, which ultimately helps me have more fulfilling connections with others!

Take care of yourselves and each other!

If

Do you ever have to stop yourself from going down the “If only” or “what ifs” rabbit hole? Thoughts like: If only I had gotten that job I applied for. If only he felt the same about me as I do him. What if she does not like me? What if I had pursued that relationship? What if I fail?

     Living with the “If only” or “what if” mindset can be limiting because it keeps us focused on the past or on hypothetical situations, preventing us from truly engaging in the present “what is” moments. The “if only” “what if” thought patterns can also make us harbor feelings of regret, dissatisfaction, or frustration as we are constantly wishing for things to have turned out differently or imagining that some change would have made life better. This can lead to:

·         Unrealistic expectations: Constantly thinking about the “if only” creates an idolized version of what could have been, ignoring the complexities or challenges that might have come from those alternative scenarios.

·         Regret and resentment: Fixating on what could have been might make you feel stuck, leading to regret or resentment toward your current situation or the choices you made.

·         Missed opportunities: When you are constantly wishing for the past to have been different, you might overlook or miss new opportunities in your life. The “if only” mindset can paralyze you, making it hard to move forward and act in the present.

·         Lack of self-compassion and grace: You might be overly critical of yourself, blaming yourself for missed opportunities or perceived mistakes which can harm your self-esteem and wellbeing.

     Perhaps like me, you have experienced that “if only” or “what if” mindset in one form or another. I have found that a healthier approach instead of focusing on those moments is to focus on the present, what I call the “what is” moment and accept that life is shaped by both choices and circumstances. Learning from past experiences and applying those lessons while embracing what you can control in the now can lead to greater fulfillment now an into the future.

     Living in the present offers several key benefits, both mentally and emotionally. Some of these may be:

·         Reduced stress and anxiety

·         Improved mental health

·         Increased mindfulness

·         Better relationships

·         Enhanced focus and productivity

·         Increased joy and gratitude

     Life will feel like a series of terrible misfortunes if you allow the “if only” and “what ifs” to infect your mind. Ultimately, living in the present and not focused on the ‘if only” and “what if” moments promote a sense of balance and well-being, helping you make the most of life as it happens, without being bogged down by the past or overwhelmed by the future. I hope you find peace in the “what is” moment!

Take care of yourselves and each other!

Worth

     In the mid to late seventies, there was a television show airing called “The Six Million Dollar Man.” It was about an astronaut named Steve Austin, played by Lee Majors, who was seriously injured when his spaceship crashed. He underwent a government-sanctioned surgery at considerable expense, hence the title. He was rebuilt and several of his body parts were replaced with machine parts, making him cyborglike. He had superhuman strength and speed and other powers which made him unbelievably valuable in crime fighting. He was worth a lot!

     On the other hand, I was born on an Air Force Base in Massachusetts at a whopping cost of $6 charged to my parents. My dad kept the receipt for a long time and often jokingly said he was going to return me for a refund. If we were to compare “worth”, primarily “self-worth”, between Steve Austin and myself, based solely on cost to build in contrast to my birth cost, Mr. Ausin’s self-worth would win. However, is that the best way to define self-worth?

     Measuring self-worth is deeply personal and can vary from one person to another. While society often focuses on external markers—like achievements, wealth, or status—it is important to recognize that self-worth is more nuanced and should be based on internal values. Here are some approaches you might consider:

1. Self-Acceptance: Recognize and accept all parts of who you are, including strengths, flaws, and everything in between. Embrace your uniqueness rather than comparing yourself to others.

2. Kindness and Compassion: How you treat yourself and others can be a strong indicator of self-worth. When you show yourself love, understanding, and patience, it reflects an internal sense of value.

3. Personal Growth: Consider how much you have grown as a person over time. The effort you put into learning, improving, and becoming a better version of yourself is a solid marker of your worth.

4. Relationships: Your relationships with others—how you show up for your loved ones and how they show up for you—can reflect how you value yourself. Healthy, supportive relationships are a sign of strong self-worth.

5. Authenticity: Living in alignment with your values and being true to who you are can be a good gauge. When you are authentic, you are living in a way that honors your worth, regardless of external approval.

6. Contributions: How you contribute to the world around you, whether in small or large ways, can be a sign of your self-worth. It could be through acts of kindness, work, creativity, or support for others.

     An example of self-worth is when an individual acknowledges their value regardless of external factors like social status, achievements, or failures. For instance, a person who has faced a professional setback but still maintains a deep-seated belief in their inherent worth and capabilities exhibits healthy self-worth.

     Self-worth is an internal compass that guides how you see and treat yourself, and it does not rely on outside validation or comparison. Self-worth is your internal sense of being worthy of love, belonging, and respect. It is an evaluation of yourself as a valuable and capable person. A healthy sense of self-worth can contribute to better relationships, work, health, and overall mental and emotional well-being. 

Take care of yourselves and each other!